Why
the hell have you turned into such a coward, N?
It was the unmistakable
voice of my soul. My poor inner voice had been yelling, shouting, crying and
pleading with me for months to listen to it. And I tried to ignore it for as
long as I could. But I couldn't anymore. I have become a coward. I have become
the person I was always afraid of becoming.
A typical real life
person. Someone who pretends everything
is fine when their soul is crying. Someone who does what they would rather not
be doing. Someone who uses their circumstances as an excuse for not listening
to their soul. Someone who hates their job but doesn't have the guts to quit.
There was a time when I used to find such people disgusting, and today I have
become one such person.
This
just can't go on any longer. Come on, N.
I feel disgusted at
myself, ashamed of what I have become. And it's good that I am feeling this
way, at least I know it’s time to face the truth.
But
you know you can't take up another job right now?
It is the voice of my
brain, who of late has been trying to force my soul into buying its logical
arguments. My brain is right in a sense: father who is undergoing cancer
treatment is scheduled to have a surgery in December, and I have to be home for
at least a few weeks. No company (save my current employer) is going to grant
any of its employees, leave alone a new one, so many leaves. A new job at this
time is out of question. And to be frank, right now I am feeling pretty messed
up, not really in a position to look for a new job.
Ok, I can't take up
another job right now. But I can QUIT this one!!
Of course, why not? While
it's true my family is going through a crisis, it's also true that no one is
financially dependent on me--and I have enough savings to see through 3 or 4
months comfortably without a monthly pay. Situations aren't really as desperate
as my stressed-out mind had made them out to be. I already feel lighter as I
decide to quit, come what may. I am not bothered about the future; the future
will take care of itself when the time comes.