Thursday, December 16, 2010

Letting go...


Ever thought why we prefer to cling on to something that hurts us, instead of letting go of it and free ourselves of a burden? Why we hold on to relationships & friendships even long after they lose their meaningfulness? I had been clinging on to a friendship that was once very beautiful but of late had simply lost its meaning. I could have chosen to end it and move on, yet something prevented me from doing so. Maybe I could not accept that my friendship with him- my closest guy friend- could actually end. Of course there were signs, the unanswered calls, unreturned missed calls and ignored text messages. Yet when we did talk, he kept on insisting that I was, and would always remain his close friend. Believing the words he did not mean seemed to be easier than interpreting the signs which conveyed otherwise. Of course, I knew that our friendship was dying, slowly but surely. Looking back, I realize that he was not really at fault, sometimes people outgrow certain relationships, our friendship had simply reached its expiry date. He had grown out of it, and I had to learn to let go.
But like an immature being, I kept making desperate efforts to keep it alive. I wish I had not done that, I wish I had the maturity to accept that not all friendships, however great they might have once been, last forever. Anyway some weeks ago after another one of those strained conversations between us, I finally decided to let go- and free the both of us from the formality of keeping in touch for the sake of it.
It was not an easy decision, but it was definitely a necessary one. Maybe it would have been easier if we had continued pretending to be friends. Our friendship had not turned toxic, there was no bitterness, resentment or anger. But there was sadness. He was sad because his heart was no longer in it, and yet he did not want to hurt me. I was sad and hurt because of his indifferent and inconsistent behaviour. Continuing our "friendship" beyond this point would have simply been meaningless.
It was time to let go. I was liberated the moment I did. Freed from the bondage of a strained friendship, freed from the hurt & sadness. And I believe this is how he too felt.
I was not expecting a closure, but luckily it happened. We got a chance to formally say good bye and part without any negative feelings. It is hard when you have to part ways with your best friend, in a way it hurts more than breaking up with someone you had a crush on. But still a closure helps a lot. It helps to forgive, tie up the loose ends and move on with life.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I accept, its the quarter life crisis



I had been living in self denial for the past many months, I just did not want to admit that I too, like many others,was having a quarter life crisis. I thought having job related worries and insecurities about the future were 'normal' for a 26 year old. But when I started growing apart from my best friends who had once been my classmates, I realized something was wrong. And I had to admit what I never wanted to.
The worst thing about quarter life is the loss of closeness from friends (I never expected it to happen to me :-( ). The other things like career worries and insecurities are still manageable. Life is beautiful when you are in your early twenties, you have great friends, you dream a lot & are full of hope for the future. But the moment you graduate out of college & enter the 'real world', things change. You start questioning yourself- your dreams & aspirations, your capabilities, career choices, values & beliefs- just everything about life. Suddenly everything seems so meaningless, you feel like you are no longer living, but simply existing through the chaos of everyday life. You feel empty, sad and confused because you don't know where you are headed to. You start getting nostalgic more often, you wish to rewind and go back to the 'good old days'. You wonder what went wrong- how could the fairytale you were living a couple of years ago lose its magic?
Still you know you are not alone, you know that your friends are also going through the same phase as you are. This somehow does make life easier, and you believe one day or the other you all would move over this stage and learn to live again, dream again.
And then comes a day, when you realize that you have slowly been growing apart from your friends, even the closest of them. And trust me, this is the most horrible thing about quarter life crisis. I had always been very close to my best friends and believed that they would be my friends forever. Now I sometimes wonder if this was just another one of my naive, idealistic beliefs? Do even best friends move away from each other? It is not that friends stop caring about each other or start taking others for granted. I love my friends a lot and know that they too care about me, yet now a days it feels so difficult to connect with them (In fact, there are times when I am unable to connect even with myself, my own soul)
If life at 26 is not easy for me, then probably it is not easier for them either. I know, they are having their own quarter life crises, dealing with their insecurities and wondering if they are the only ones feeling like this. I wish I could go back to the time when a simple phone call would do wonders, and everything would be alright again. Why is it that now its tough to keep a conversation going for even 5 minutes with someone you could chat with for hours just a couple of years ago? I just hope this QLC thing fades away soon, I am just tired of it...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Celebrating 10 years of spinsterhood


I attended a wedding for the first time when I was 9, and was thoroughly turned off. It was a loud & noisy event attended by too many guests. The poor bride was wearing heavy make up & a painted smile. The groom was not wearing make up, but he wore the same artificial smile. And the photographers were clicking pictures non stop. It was more than enough to scare a simple, introverted, unsociable and camera shy kid like me. "I will never marry", I announced, very seriously to my mother. Of course, I was too young to understand the concept of marriage, or for that matter, spinsterhood at that age.

It was when I was 16 years old that I officially declared myself a spinster, the concept of being unmarried & independent was so appealing. Well, a 16 year old is still too young to be considered a spinster, but thats what I fancied myself to be. But my granny and aunt had other plans, they were seriously worried about my marriage, they could find no other topic to talk about. My aunt already had a list of eligible bachelors ready at hand. I was barely 18 when aunt put up a nice little drama in front of my mother- complete with tears & threats. The tears stopped flowing only when mom promised her what she wanted. That I would be married off only to a guy of my aunt's choice. And I seriously believed that one day my relatives would forcibly marry me off to a nice-guy-on-sale, available in abundance in the Indian marriage market. I told mom that if that ever happened, I would poison my husband to death. Its really funny, but that threat worked!! Maybe the thought of a good, sanskari guy dying a painful death was too horrible for mom to comprehend, my aunt never dared to interfere in my life again.

Now it has been 10 years of glorious spinsterhood for me, and I love every moment of it, but it does not mean that I am one of those male-hating-feminists, as my dear aunt once suggested to mom. I do like & respect men. I have had many crushes till now, been in love thrice & once even got messed up over a complete idiot. It happens, I believe these things are necessary. I have always loved falling in love, being in love, its such a beautiful feeling. Even getting over a love that once existed is a very meaningful experience. Love is natural, but marriage after all, is just a man made concept. I have nothing against the institution of marriage, being married suits a lot of people, its just that I am not one of them.

Ah, how wonderful it feels to be 26 & single :-) !!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

26 !!


My 26th birthday is nearing, and I am just so excited !! I have always loved my birthdays, and this year is no different, am happy that even today I anticipate my birthday as eagerly as I used to years ago. Not that I celebrate it in a grand manner, but I simply love the concept of growing older.
Twenty six. I can not believe I have actually spent 26 years on this Earth, it seems just like yesterday when I celebrated my 7th birthday! In fact my 7th birthday was the first one that I consciously remember and have loved birthdays ever since. I love the way numbers get added to your age as years pass by, its such a beautiful feeling. And as always, I had been introspecting a lot over the past few weeks, reviewing my life over these 26 years. It has been beautiful so far, and I guess I would have no qualms even if I were to die now. The only regret I have today is that even at this age I am living off my parents' income. Am still just a student & it would probably be years before I manage to establish myself in a career. I am just one of those "late bloomers", I tell myself when overcome by guilt. Things happen only when the time is right, never before that, however hard you try. One has to wait for that.

Anyway, I don't want to feel all guilty & messed up, now that my birthday is just a few hours away. I feel so mature & wise!! And I have facts to prove that:
I no longer have crushes on every third guy I see- Am over with such things
I no longer wear blue nail paint, dangling earrings or bangles that clink- now they seem so cheap & gaudy
I no longer wish I had not been straight- Am fine being straight
I don't feel like killing those whom I don't like- have learned to control my anger
Stupid human beings don't irk me so much now- If thats the way their low level brains function, I can not do anything about it

Still 3 more days left for me to officially complete 26, waiting eagerly for my birthday :-) !! Am happy, grateful, and hopeful for the coming year...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

When the bubble bursts...

Recently my best friend had a break up. I don't know why, but I sort of feel so broken up myself after getting the news. My friend has been insisting that she is fine now, and ready to move on. Then why am I feeling so hopeless? Maybe because I had never expected them to break up. After all, my friend always insisted that "no other guy could love her as much as he did", and that they would one day marry & be together forever. Even though I personally never liked her boy friend, I was happy for her because I thought she was happy with him. And now I get to know that she opted out of the relationship because it had become more of a "compromise" than a relation based on love . If thats the case, then I am glad that she moved out of it.
But the problem is that she wants to move on quickly and marry a guy of her parents' choice "As soon as possible".
Now, would not that be a compromise too, to marry someone just for the sake of it, just to "get on with life"? Why the hell, I asked her, did she want to get into another "compromise" so soon after struggling to break out of one?
Life is after all just a compromise, she replied, her voice full of hopelessness which was so uncharacteristic of her . For once, I wished I could slap her. How could she even say that she simply wanted to compromise with life? How could she actually forget all those beautiful plans we had made for our future while at college? How could she forget the promise we had made to ourselves that we would live life fully come what may? That we would work not for money but for our own satisfaction? That we would prefer to be single & free rather than marry for convenience? That we would live in such a way that when we finally died, our souls would be free of guilts and regrets?
Maybe she has seen too much of "real life" to still hold on to the beliefs we had had as idealistic teenagers. Maybe two years of being in a corporate job has made her realize that if you can not find satisfaction in a job, then simply go for the money. If you can not marry someone you love, then simply marry for convenience. If you can not live, then simply exist...

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Independence: An illusion ?

We have been celebrating Independence Day every year for the past many decades with great fervour: it sure feels great to be citizens of a free nation, doesn’t it? Still one wonders: are we truly a free country? Many would raise an eyebrow at this question; after all, isn’t India a sovereign nation boasting of being the largest democracy in the world? We are an independent, developing nation. But in this era of globalization, can the government of India take any decision on its own? Though India is politically independent, is not our government somehow bound to act according to the fancies of the world’s super powers? The answer, as many would sadly state, is yes- The Indian government is weak. It is always easy to blame an authority, especially the government of being weak. But do we ever care to think that in a republic like ours, it is simply the attitude of the people which is reflected by the government? Do we ever care to question our own character? Are we, as individuals, truly free? Free to follow our heart, free to live the life we desire, free to follow our life’s calling? Are we not bound by the many restrictions imposed upon us by family and society? Why are we constricted by such shackles, which on deeper thoughts are non-existent? Do family & society really limit us, or are we prisoners of our own imagination?
And when we, as individuals are unable to free ourselves from the fetters of this deceptive society, do we as a nation have any right to call ourselves liberated? Each individual is badly entangled in the web of materialistic pursuits which he has woven himself, just as a nation is ensnared in the vicious network of globalization. The concept of a truly independent country or an individual is maybe just a Utopian concept, an ideal too perfect to be realistically possible.

What it takes to be happy...

I often wonder, as do many others, that what is it that actually makes one happy? Of course, happiness is a state of mind- some people are naturally cheerful & happy, while others are perennially upset. But still what is it that makes one feel so blissful at times that one feels grateful just to be alive?
A happy person is someone who is content with his life, aware of life's blessings, and thankful to GOD for whatever he has been bestowed upon.
And from what I have observed from my own life, these are some of the things that make one happy:
* Being with someone you really connect with and love being with. This could be anyone- parents, siblings, friends, pets- who genuinely care about you.
* When you are in contact with nature- when you feel the beauty of a flower, the innocence in a puppy's eyes, the freshness of the breeze blowing your hair, thunderstorms and the accompanying cool drizzle.
* In solitude, when you feel the rhythmic beating of your heart and connect to your inner self.
* When you are doing something that you enjoy- It could be your work ( provided that you love your job), or a hobby that is creative.

And the formula for unhappiness? Simple! Being with people whom you are with just for materialistic reasons, not being aware of God's grace, not being comfortable with yourself in solitude and absolutely hating whatever you are doing, coupled with meaningless hobbies like surfing the net or gossiping.

The state of happiness and unhappiness are inter related and cannot be studied in isolation of each other. But since both depend upon the attitude of an individual, it is ultimately the choice of a person- whether he wants to be happy or unhappy with his life.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Nothing is more valuable

Ask anyone, and they would talk about the time their best friends had betrayed them, failed to understand them or had stopped talking to them for some reason. Very often we place the blame on the other person, without thinking if, we, ourselves are also to be blamed?
We always expect others to understand us, but do we first try to understand them? We want our friends to be with us when we need them, but are we with them when they need us? We cry when we feel that our friends are avoiding us, but do we try to find the reason behind it?
When a close friend stops visiting, calling or even taking our calls, it could very well mean that they are avoiding us - BUT- it could also mean that they are facing some big problem & need our support. Normally when such situations occur, we would simply cut off from our friends thinking that they no longer want to talk to us, while the truth would be something entirely opposite.

Friendship is the most beautiful relationship that could exist between two people. You are very lucky even if you have just one or two close friends who love & accept you for what you are. Just make sure that you understand them they way you expect them to, keep your communication clear & sort out any misunderstandings before they erode your friendship. Never let your ego come between your friends and you- friendships are too valuable to be lost over something as trivial as Ego.

Cherish your friends, while you have their company. Its no use crying over a friendship once it is over.
I still remember the pain I felt when my childhood best friend dumped me when I was around nine. She was someone I trusted more than I did myself, and I know that she too trusted me a lot. I loved her very deeply- she was my sister, my sweetheart, my guide- all rolled into one. We had first met when I was hardly four, and she, an year older. We promised each other that we would be best friends forever. But things changed when her father got a job in another city and she moved away from me. At that time telephones were not yet much in use, but I wrote to her regularly. She never replied. Yet I kept on writing, maybe in the hope that she would respond one day. I had complete faith in our friendship. But she never did, she did not write back to me even a single time. After some years, I did get to meet her in person, but by that time, the "connection" was just gone. Yet I am glad that I had tried my best to save that friendship, even if unsuccessfully.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Those Invisible Chains...

One day, while playing with Karan, a friendly street dog, I suddenly had an urge to take him for a walk. Not that he really needed one, after all, he was a stray, free to roam the street whenever he wanted. Yet as a selfish human being, I wanted to possess him, if only for a few minutes. I retrieved the chain used to tie up Steve, my pet dog. Even though I loved Steve very much, but sometimes I would feel guilty that the poor thing did not have the privilege of freedom, in spite of having everything else he could possibly desire.
Armed with the sturdy chain, I gleefully went ahead to tie up Karan & take him for a walk. But the street dog was not someone to be enslaved! He put up a brave and noisy protest as I tried to put the chain around his neck. This was strange, given that he was a very sweet & soft natured dog. I had expected him to meekly give in to my stupid egoistic wish. Though surprised, i was not going to give up. I again tried, by holding him tightly with one hand while attempting to slip the chain around his neck with the other.
But no way! He shook his head from side to side & squirmed out of my grip.
This was very much surprising, because Karan was the very same animal who would let me shampoo him & decorate him with henna & bindi. He was my sweet little doll!!
Now, why would he not co operate with me this time? Because co operating this time would mean compromising with his freedom. and he was so fiercely independent that he would not let go of it at any cost- not even for a human being he loved & trusted.
I realized my mistake & let him go- had my love for him been true, I would not have tried to possess him.

I wonder, why we human beings often lack the spirit of independence & courage to follow our hearts, which even those beings ranking lower in the evolutionary hierarchy have?
Why are we bound by so many shackles that on deeper thoughts, are non existent?
Do family & society really limit us, or are we prisoners of our own imagination?
Why do we choose to meekly submit to the unreasonable expectations of others instead of gathering the spiritual strength to resist?

It is really funny that dogs, whom many consider as lowly, are far more capable of showing character when required than the so-called higher organism - Human Beings- are.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

You Can Not Predict, Can You?

"Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?" I had always felt that this standard question, asked at most interviews is a stupid one. How can one actually imagine how life would be like after 10 years when one can never know for sure what tomorrow will bring? One can not even be sure that he would be alive the next morning! Supposing that you do get to be living after 10 years, but can you predict what the situations are likely to be at that time? Can you know what it would be, that would give happiness & contentment in life 10 years hence?
A 5 year old child may remark that he would build a castle of chocolate bricks when he grows up. Would the same child actually do that, if he could, at the age of 25?
It is not uncommon for Nursery students to declare that they love their class teacher & want to marry her. But would any sensible young man still hold on to that fantasy a decade later?
The human mind is not static, it is always in a state of transition. Change is a natural process- Just as the physical body of a living organism transforms over time, its mind also evolves. The human mind is said to be evolving when it transcends the physical aspect of merely existing, and moves on to the intellectual angle of cognition, and finally towards spiritual facet of 'being'.
But when you are attending an interview for a big management position, this is NOT what you are supposed to say!!
No doubt, I am so bad at corporate interviews :-p !!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

When he said 'Chicken Pox' !

The first time I fell in love was when I was in Class I, barely six years of age. He was new to my school, and I felt that it was my duty to make him familiar with the surroundings. I don't remember if it was love at first sight, but there was no doubt that I was falling for this tall, dark & intelligent guy! What attracted me most to him was the way he spoke, he was indeed wise for his age and so much confident. I wanted to befriend him, but was too shy to talk to him. My darling class teacher solved my problem- She made me sit with HIM when she made the seating arrangements!! He smiled at me, I almost blushed. It is true that age is no barrier to falling in love.
But my happiness was short lived. One day I discovered that my face and body were covered with small blisters, like the ones that form when something really hot falls on your skin. Of course, I was too young to be concerned- but my mother was and she took me to the doctor. He looked at me and said something to my mother as he wrote out a prescription. Mom told me that I would miss around 2 weeks of school, & that I would need to take some medicines & apply a thick, smelly lotion called 'Calamine' if I wanted to get well soon. It was strange, given that I did not at all feel like I was not well!! Yet, I had to comply with what Mom said. And I badly missed school for the next few days, which seemed to drag for an eternity. Not that I liked to study, but I was feeling lost without my sweet love.
And finally one day, mom decided that I was well enough to return back to school. She dressed me in my uniform, slathered calamine all over my face & scalp, and wrapped a scarf around my head. It felt strange to be back- all my classmates stared at me curiously as soon as I entered the classroom and bombarded me with questions.
"Why were you absent?"
"Were you sick?"
"What are those pink dots on your face?"

Being an introvert who prefers her privacy, I was very much uncomfortable with the unwanted attention I was getting.
As I stood wondering how to escape, HE came to my rescue.
He smiled at me and addressed the class- "Can't you see that she is not well?"
"Does she have fever?" enquired a classmate.
" No. She has Chicken Pox. Now let her rest. OK?"

Chicken Pox. Wasn't it the same thing the doctor had said when he first saw me?
WOW,I thought, impressed. This guy is as intelligent as the doctor!!
I went to my seat at the back row as my other classmates gathered to discuss the new term they had just now learnt. A sense of warmth and pride engulfed me as I smiled to myself. I was glad to be in love, and happier still that I was in love with the most intelligent guy in my class.

Friday, April 2, 2010

This loneliness is killing :-( !!

For the first time in my life of 25 years and 6 months, I am feeling alone- very lonely in fact. This is strange, given that I am someone who really loves her solitude!! Being an introvert, I am very happy being alone, connecting with my inner self & day dreaming about the never ending wonders of this world. But now, I am so lonely because I am unable to get even my solitude.
Solitude is when you are with yourself, with no one else to disrupt your privacy. Solitude is the glory of being alone- peaceful, calm & comforting. Loneliness is just the opposite- You are lonely when you are unable to connect with anyone, even yourself. You are lonely when you are in midst of a crowd, a crowd you don't belong to. Nothing is more difficult than being with people you don't want to be with, people you are not comfortable with. It is horrible when situations force you to interact with beings you would rather steer clear of. But, then life has its own way of making you do things which you would never have done otherwise :-( !!
Never before have I felt more alienated- like a tiny speck in this vast universe, cut off from just everything that ever bound me to this life.
I don't know what has happened, I can not even reach out to the human beings who were once so close to me, who were a part of my very existence. Why do I feel that even the closest of my friends have drifted away? I don't doubt their friendships, though. Maybe they too are lost - & lonely- and unable to reach out to others? Or maybe, it is me who has drifted away? The world seems a superficial place to be in, everything feels so fake. After all, life is just an illusion, isn't it?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Of Pet Dogs & Arranged Marriages

Someone told me that I am very bad with metaphors, yet I can not stop using my pet ones :-) !!
A few years ago, I had a pet dog- A very handsome & majestic German Shepherd. He was highly admired & feared by everyone in my street, and he certainly deserved to be, for he was one of the most dignified & self respecting animal I had ever known.
Many times during his lifetime, he had been pursued by other dog owners- as a stud for their German Shepherd bitches. Now who would not have wanted his bitch to have Steve's puppies?
As the proud owner of my lovely dog, my father would often be hounded by proposals which would go somewhat like this- "I like your dog! I have a GS bitch, and was wondering if you could lend him to me for a few days?"
The proposals always included an offer for payment in return- either in cash, or in kind ( a puppy, to be specific). But Steve would always disappoint the bitch's owner- he would never even look at the bitch, let alone making her pregnant! I would smile to myself whenever this happened, my Stevie boy was dignified, he would not mate with just anyone just because his owner wanted him to. And that poor thing fancied a stray brown bitch, whom he could not be with because she was "just a street mongrel"

When I look at our Indian society, I find many human beings lacking the basic dignity that even my dog had- some people would just marry anyone for sake of parental pressure. I am appalled, to say the least, that even today there are youngsters whose parents fix their marriages even without their approvals! And certain people even take pride in doing so! Pathetic.

It is not uncommon for people to marry ( and sleep with) complete strangers.In many cases of arranged marriages, they boy & the girl would have met hardly a couple of times before tying the knot. The concept of arranged marriage is not much different from the arranged mating of pet dogs- All that matters is the breed ( read religion, caste, sub caste ), convenience & the materialistic aspects ( It is the exchange of cash or a puppy in case of dogs, & in case of human beings, it extends to gold, property, furniture, electronic gadgets, vehicles & so on )

It is easy to understand the reason behind the popularity of arranged marriages- it targets the inherent greed of humans, their insatiable thirst for easy money and social status. And Sex is guaranteed- even if someone is socially or biologically incapable of attracting a suitable partner, one can easily get a sexual partner through such arrangements.

And the best thing? It is so convenient & simple- as simple as getting your pet dogs mated :-) !!

Fairytales Happen in Crowland

A few years ago, I witnessed something that I could have never imagined. A handsome black crow spread out his tail feathers and began to move clumsily in circles. I could almost feel his nervousness and was amused by his strange behaviour. Then I noticed another crow nearby, watching him with great interest. I started laughing when I realized what was actually happening- the crow was dancing, in order to impress his lady love !! This was a big surprise because I never knew that crows could dance! And there he was, this darling crow dancing in full earnest, his dark feathers shining in the morning sun. Though he was far too self conscious to be graceful, yet I knew his efforts were sincere. Trust me, nothing can be more endearing than a crow in love- a dancing crow, dancing inspite of knowing that he had no talent for it.
"Come on girl, accept his proposal," I mentally urged the female. She eventually did. Mrs. & Mr.Crow proceeded to build a nest on a near by telephone pole & raised a very ugly chick over the next few weeks.
I had read somewhere that crows are monogamous; when they pair, they pair for life. The fact that I might have witnessed the begining of an eternal love story was so fascinating. There is definitely something comforting about the concept of monogamy, maybe that is why we, human beings try to force it upon ourselves. Maybe that is why adults & children alike are so deeply moved by fairytales.
Why Do we still believe that people fall in love only once in this life? Why do we think that we all have got, but one soulmate? Why do we tend to cling on to idealistic romantic beliefs inspite of very well knowing that nature never intended humans to be monogamous?
Is it because we were brought up to think like this, or is it because we all crave for the security & stability monogamy is associated with? Why do we all want something that was not meant for us in the first place?

How I wish I knew!! Maybe I will get the answers when the time is right...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

A Love So Trusting...

I live in a lively street where humans and creatures of various species cohabit peacefully. I place earthen pots outside my house during summers,in which I would keep food and water for the animals and birds. Among the regular visitors, is a handsome black crow whom I call Aatma Ram. I have great admiration for this bird with dark, shiny feathers and an intelligent look in his eyes. He would be perched on a nearby pole and would swoop down as soon as he saw me coming out of my house. He knows that I would bring some treat for him at a particular time. And he would create a scene cawing loudly in a rowdy tone if I got his breakfast late. Aatma Ram and I shared a beautiful relationship based on mutual love and respect. He would come very near to me though I never tried to touch him. He loved and trusted me, of that I have no doubt. And an incident proved how much. One day I noticed that the pot had become very dirty. So I got a scrubber and a spoonful of detergent to wash it with. No sooner had I thrown the detergent into his bowl, he came gliding from his pole and took a big mouthful ! I was shocked! Poor Aatma trusted me so much that he did not even check what I had put into the bowl before taking a bite! Now he was making faces and looking at me accusingly. Overcome by guilt, I retrieved some bread crumbs for him. He gobbled it up, but only after ensuring that it was edible. I realized that day, that animals are far more sincere in their emotions than we, humans are. We have to be very careful while dealing with innocent animals because they will love and trust us unconditionally. We have to ensure that we are deserving of their pure loyalty.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

She Too Is a Woman...

I shall never forget that cold winter night when I came face to face with her- A woman looked down upon by her own kind, someone despised by the society, a human being who could not avail of even her most basic rights.

I had climbed on into an auto rickshaw without glancing at the others already seated inside. By the time I realized who I was facing, the vehicle had started to move. That gaudy maroon lipstick, bright pink eye shadow and the plunging neckline gave away what she did for a living. And she was accompanied by a scrawny man who kept on stroking her thighs. Disgusted and shocked, I ordered the auto driver to stop. As I climbed out, her eyes caught mine. The way she looked at me stirred something inside my soul. I knew I would never be able to get her out of my mind- she would leave an indelible impact.

She was a woman like me, in her twenties. She too had a life and the right to live it with dignity just the way I do. I suddenly was overwhelmed by a pang of guilt for I knew that she could never live with dignity even if she wanted to. She had no warm clothing to shield her from the cold and nor had she any protection against the risk of AIDS and other STDs her numerous clients might expose her to. Her poor lifestyle & unsafe sexual habits made her a likely victim of another killer disease- Cervical cancer. She was mal nourished and weak. I could say from those white patches on her face and her warty looking skin. Those bald patches in her scalp could have been the result of years of physical abuse or a sign of disease. And add to this, the lack of adequate medical care, financial problems and absence of legal protection.

This is her real story- the plight of a woman stripped of her dignity, exploited by men and ignored by the government. The society needs to realize that these poor females are not to be hated, for they themselves are victims of circumstances. No one would choose such a life for herself, no one becomes a prostitute by choice- she is either born to a prostitute or sold to one by someone who was supposed to protect her.

How can we talk of female empowerment when lakhs of women are subjected to such a miserable existence? We can not call ourselves a civilized society until each human being gets a chance to live with dignity, can we?

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Sometimes when you feel this way...

Normally, I don't blog when I am upset. But today, I need to. I am feeling so low that it feels like my head will burst if I don't express myself. Actually, the only reason I logged in now was to find some articles for my assignment ( Ya, we are supposed to maintain a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings and articles. Imagine, this at the master's level :-( !! )
But I am unable to concentrate now. It is as if I am tired of just about everything. I don't understand why I am feeling so low, so lost, so confused :-( !! It is so unlike me!! I am not someone who would get upset quickly!! I don't know, I mean it happens sometimes that even the most cheerful people feel pretty down.
I guess, I should count my blessings if I want to get over this lousy mood...
Life has been good to me, I have so much to be thankful for, and I am.
I have got the most loving and caring person as my sibling -he is someone I trust more than I trust myself ,
Good relations with my parents,
Two best friends while many others don't even have one,
I am lucky because lots of cats and dogs live near my home- some cities don't even have stray animals in the street,
I am pursuing my second Master's degree in a country where millions of women don't get a chance even to attend school...

It is not that I am not grateful to GOD for whatever he has given me, but it is something else that I need- Answers to many unanswered questions which have been disturbing me for long... Whatever is the purpose of our existence?
Why am I the person that I am, and not someone else?
Why are somethings meant to happen? And how come other things simply fall into place by themselves when something is meant to be?
Why are we meant to meet certain people in this lifetime?
Why do soul mates exist?
Is there any logic behind the immense power of faith?
What is love, why can we never define it?

I don't know, the more I think about such things, the more confused I become... I wish I could understand, but I can't... I pray for the answers, but I know HE will reply only when the time is right...

Friday, February 26, 2010

No more crushes :-( !!

A few days before V'Day, I casually asked a friend of mine if he had a crush on anyone.
"Nothing", he replied disinterested. "Yaar I am over with such things"
I had to agree. At 25 years of age, one does move over such things, though I wish we did not have to. But with time, our perspectives and priorities change. When you are a 13 year old, you have a very simplistic model in your mind, about how love and marriages happen- people grow up, they meet someone special, they fall in love, and ultimately they get married. Then at 14 you have a crush on a cute classmate & believe that you are in love. Gradually the infatuation wears off and you start liking someone else who is oblivious to your existence. Meanwhile, a pathetic creature you really dislike starts liking you and follows you like a devoted puppy. On one hand you are happy about the fact that you have got an admirer but on the other one, this is someone you simply hate !! By the time you are convinced that you are fated only for one-sided loves, the unexpected happens- A person you secretly like gives signals that they too like you!! After a few days of shyly exchanging glances, you guys start chatting and within a few days you decide that you have met "The One". Just as you are mentally planning your wedding, things fall apart. You get dumped. Your heart breaks and you feel like dying. "Never again", you tell yourself tearfully, resolving never to fall in love again. A few months pass, your heart heals and YES!! You are in love again!! The same sequence follows- your heart starts fluttering the moment you spot your special one, your face turns red the first time they talk to you, you are on cloud nine when on your date... Within days you are convinced that you have found your soul mate!! But a few weeks into the relationship and you realize you are stuck up with someone totally incompatible. You leave the relationship- and break a heart. At this stage you learn a very painful truth - breaking a heart sometimes hurts as much as, if not more, than getting yours broken. Copious tears flow but you move on with time. You learn not to fall in love on a whim. You become wiser, more mature and finally get over with childish emotions like crushes & infatuations.
I certainly have risen above this concept. Now a days whenever I see youngsters blushing & gushing over a new crush, I know they are secretly planning a future together. I smile at their innocence and feel a twinge of sadness at the same time because I have grown up.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

My Friends...

The guy I once loved hurt me badly, broke my heart and was the most insensitive person I have ever known. Yet I am very thankful to him- because it was only during the messy break up did I realize the value of my true friends. I had many friends at that time, and believed that they would help me recover from the heart break. I was wrong, some of my friends hurt me more than my Ex had. One commented, " Oh! Its OK, your parents will get you another guy". I wonder what the hell was he thinking when he said that? That I was all desperate just to have a guy in my life? Another one was more irritating. "How could you actually love someone belonging to another religion? Go get someone from your own!" And I am ashamed to admit that the one who said this was once a very close friend of mine. Not surprisingly, he dumped his ailing girlfriend just because she was serious about their relationship, while he was not ( "I can not marry someone from a different caste!!" was how he put it). Anyway, coming back to my story, I was almost depressed after getting dumped. I say "almost" depressed because I was just one level short of being classified as clinically depressed. And I had cut off contacts from most of my friends. But still, three of them stood by me. They were always there to listen to me, to comfort me. Never once did they say anything hurtful- no mention about the religion thing, no probing about the details of the break up, nothing intrusive. They always tried to cheer me up & make me see the positive things in life. I realized that from among the numerous "friends" I had had, these were the only ones who really cared about me. They were my only true friends !! I would have never known this fact had it not been for the break up. Its been years since that idiot dumped me, and I cut off many meaningless friendships. And am very thankful to GOD for giving me the most wonderful people as friends who stood by me even when I did not deserve their support.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Doing dishes...

Washing the dirty vessels in the kitchen sink is something I used to despise when I was younger. I was around 15 years old when I was first made to do dishes- I absolutely hated it !! That was before the invention of liquid dish wash, and I had to make do with the bar. It was a dull green, slimy and smelly. YUCK!! As a kid I never had imagined that one day I would actually have to wash dirty vessels. But life has a way of making you do things you would have never done by choice. And this is how important lessons in life are learnt- not by choice, but because there is no other way. Gradually, I resigned to my fate and realized that it was not such a bad job after all. In fact, many spiritual thoughts came to me while I was engaged in this unpleasant activity. Cleaning a sink full of vessels was very much like facing certain life situations. Initially a problem may seem insurmountable to you, but if you think about it calmly, you would definitely find a way out. The way to tackle problems when you find yourself surrounded by them is to tackle them one by one. This is how I did the vessels, one at a time. First I would scrub all the plates, then the tea cups followed by spoons and ladles. This would clear up half the load.Now I would be left with the huge cookers and kadhai. In a few minutes, they would also be done. And there!! The sink would be cleared!! It would take just around 30 minutes. But before you could move away from there, someone would start dropping in more dirty dishes to wash- used spoons, greasy plates and all. Ah!! So much like life. When you think you are just done with facing a challenge, you find yourself surrounded by new ones. Still, life goes on, as more dishes pile up in the sink for cleaning.