Princess

I was new to the locality. I first spotted him dozing peacefully on a discarded rug near the entrance of a travel agency. He looked so beautiful and serene as he slept. Sleeping Beauty, I smiled to myself. I named him Princess. We normally associate the word princess with pretty young females, but my princess was different.

To those who didn't know him, Princess was just another nondescript dog, like the many other strays that roam around on Indian streets. I could tell he was an aged dog--the sparse white fur, those clouded brown eyes, and arthritis stricken limbs all pointed towards his advanced age. Yet there was something very endearing about him; what, that I could not pinpoint. Maybe it was the grace with which he carried himself despite his misshapen legs. Maybe it was the innocence in his eyes which had once been a deep brown. Or maybe it was because he bore a striking resemblance to one of my dogs who had died years ago.
I was not really looking to befriend him, it just happened. I was once hurrying to a nearby shop to buy something when he appeared out of nowhere and stood in front of me on unsteady legs. Our eyes met for the first time and we "recognized" each other. It happens. There are times you meet someone for the first time and yet feel as if you had known each other all your lives. It happens with humans, and it happens with animals.
"Whats it, my little princess? How are you?"
He just stood there looking at me and whined softly.
"You want something to eat?"
I offered him a roti I had saved from the day's lunch. He sniffed at it and looked up at me with disappointment writ large in his eyes. I wasn't surprised--the area was strewn with eateries and restaurants selling all kinds of non-veg stuff-- and the resident dogs so used to junk food were not too keen on "real" food.

"So you won't eat roti? You want something else?"
He sat down, and looked directly into my eyes with all his sincerity.
"Biscuits?" His look told me he was fine with this idea.
I hurried into the nearest store, followed by the limping dog who patiently waited for me at the store's entrance.
I broke a biscuit into two and offered him a piece. As he took it gently from my hand, I realized that he didn't have many teeth left in his mouth.
Nonetheless, he seemed to enjoy the crisp biscuits. And I loved his company, it had been long since I had even spoken to a dog. I would have stroked him if only he hadn't been so greasy or dirty. But it didn't really matter, his soul was pure and divine, as is every dog's; we connected on a spiritual level. I was new to the city, away from home, away from my dogs. A dog's company was so comforting. I broke up the biscuits and fed him a few pieces by hand. Then I emptied the packet on a clean spot on the ground. The dog went about nibbling his meal busily. I sneaked away from there before he could realize it and follow me. Now I always keep a packet of biscuits in my handbag. Who knows when I might again come face to face with my little princess?

Compu crashed again!

My computer has crashed for the umpteenth time!
And today I do not even have a proper system to work on! One of my colleagues has taken the day off after lunch, so I got to access her computer- a "properly functioning" computer system. I do not like to waste my time in the office, but what else can I do today? All my files are stored on either my compu or pen drive. And this time the technician has taken away not just Compu, but my pen drive as well. Very funny.
I work for a small publication, I understand that they cannot really afford to provide new systems to us. I have been assigned a pretty old one, maybe its 10 or 15 years old. It has a floppy disk drive (I have even forgotten what a floppy looks like!). Its restart button is broken. When I first saw the antique CPU, I could not understand how I was supposed to connect the pen drive to it. It is loaded with viruses and it infected my beloved pen drive as well.

It is an ongoing process: Compu crashes, the technician comes to take a look at it, he takes it away for repairs, he returns it after a couple of days, compu works well for 5 days, compu crashes. the cycle goes on.

But hope never dies. Each time the technician comes to 'take a look' at my sick compu, my heart is filled with renewed hope. Maybe this time Compu will be back for good. Maybe this time the technician would have identified and solved the root cause which is making my dear Compu crash again and again. Maybe I can finally complete the chapter I have been working on for the past 15 days. Maybe, just maybe...

Some truths I realized with time...

Some truths I realized with time...
1. Writing, compiling and editing material for management textbooks is not as much fun as I had once imagined it to be. But there is nothing else I would rather do.
2. Everyone does not want to be happy: Many are not satisfied until they have something to crib and cry about.
3. The ones who are not comfortable with who they really are, are the ones who are constantly trying to change you.
4. Love is the factor that differentiates a "life" from mere "existence"
5. Soul mates do exist, in fact many of them.
6. Society is a necessary evil. (I always believed it was evil, but now I realize that its necessary as well.)
7. Platonic love is a real thing.
8. Loving your parents does not mean giving in to their unreasonable demands (Of course, they will try their best to brainwash you!)
9. Everyone does not want to be independent; many would gladly give up their freedom in return for some materialistic benefits.
10. Intuition is the only thing that guides you correctly. The heart (emotions) and brain (logic) often betray.
11. Happiness is not a "thing" u can possess, but simply a state of mind.
12. If something is meant to happen, it will. Fate is a big thing, irrespective of whether you believe in it not.
13. Just because a relationship has ended does not mean that it was never meaningful. And just because a relationship is meaningful does not mean it will never end.
14. Beware of people who have a weak intuition. If they cannot trust themselves, then how can you?
15. Just because you love someone does not mean that your views, opinions and ideologies will always be similar.
16. You cannot "respect" someone just because they are old. Does simply spending many-many years on this Earth make you honourable?
17. The character of a person is not dependent on his appearance, social status, education or occupation.
18. Money cannot buy you love, time, peace of mind or happiness. But you cannot even think about these things until you have enough money for food, clothes, house rent and bills.
19. There are times when you just need to let go of something you have been holding on to desperately—a meaningless relationship, an unfulfilled desire, a worthless job, out dated beliefs, etc.
20. Disillusionment hurts, but it also teaches you a lot.
21. If you are an idealist, don't ever try to get "realistic about life". It won't suit you, and you will end up feeling miserable.
22. If someone truly loves you, they will never ever try to manipulate you.
23. Everyone—a housewife, a clerk, a student, a CEO, a bank manager—irrespective of their incomes, has financial worries.
24. In human society the relationship between parents and their children is governed by social norms and not by nature (A very sad truth).
25. The only person you are answerable to is you. If you have a clear conscience, then others' views don't matter.
26. Times change. Situations change. People change. Relationships change.
27. No relationship can make you feel secure. Only love can.
28. When you are happy with the overall quality of your life, even routine life feels like fun.

Life@27

Just a few weeks left to my 27th birthday. And as always, I have been thinking about how much I have learnt since my birthday last year. It seems life has changed so much over the past 11 months! Life is, and has always been a great teacher, but we become better students with time. Here is what life has taught me over the past year:

If something is meant to happen, it will. What are the chances that you start your day by knocking on potential employers' doors (without a prior appointment, without knowing if they have any vacancy), armed with just a resume (no previous experience, no contacts) and yet land a job by evening? That is how it happened to me.

It is OK to dump certain friends if they really hurt you and don't even bother to say sorry. Sometimes trying to get a closure is not going to work out if your former friend does not share the same sentiments.

Indian society is not so bad after all. People have lower expectations from women, so its easier for us. When I am travelling in a metro, elderly gents often refuse to accept my seat if I vacate for them, better still (or even worse), they sometimes vacate their seats for me. I am older than my brother with whom I share a room, yet he is the one who is expected to "take care" of me. He pays the rent. He pays for the food. He pays the electricity bill. I am not complaining though!

Ravioli From Scratch

I love cooking, and the concept of making pasta from scratch (the way Italian grannies do), always fascinated me. Even though I had never tried my hand at it before, today I decided to make ravioli, a kind of stuffed pasta, for lunch. There were numerous recipes available on the net. The ingredients were simple, all you needed was some wheat flour, semolina & water. And kneading the dough & rolling out pasta is no difficult task for the Indian cook, so used to making rotis.
Making the filling was no problem, I just mixed some finely chopped coriander leaves & chillies with cheese. Rolling out the pasta was also easy,and I cut out dainty little circles for the shells using an upturned katori. So far so good.
Stuffing the shells and shaping them into semi-circular raviolis also came easily to my fingers, well experienced in filling paranthas with stuff. I made 12 raviolis, all ready to be cooked and eaten.
I put a large pan of water to boil, and added some salt and mustard oil (I didn't have olive oil) to it. I dropped 6 of the raviolis and noted the time. The recipe said they had to be cooked for 10 minutes. Hardly 5 minutes had passed when I noticed one of the raviolis leaking, some gross looking white stuff was floating on the water. I tried hard to fish out the offending piece with a slotted spoon. But I could not identify the culprit in the frothy white mess the water had become! Anyway, I still had 5 good ones inside the pan. The raviolis would float to the top once cooked(that's what the recipe said), and I would easily take them out. But then I realized that something had gone terribly wrong- all of the raviolis were leaking!! Half a dozen limp raviolis were floating around in a pan of water bubbling with white scum & yellow oil!! Pretty disgusting to look at.
Still I wanted to salvage whatever I could, out of the great smelling but gross looking mess my ambitious attempt at pasta making had become. By now more than 10 minutes had passed and my raviolis were coming undone, they were looking more like dead fish floating on the surface of a polluted lake. I hurriedly fished them out, one by one and arranged them on a plate(I simply cooked the remaining raviolis over a hot tava, didn't want to risk dumping them into boiling water this time).
Then I proceeded to make a dressing to pour over the raviolis (because there was no other way I could actually serve this thing to human beings). I whipped up a nice dressing, with creamy curd cheese, mustard & mint. It looked very pretty, and concealed the dead-fish look of the raviolis.
I was satisfied, I knew my parents would eat anything that had a cute green sauce over it. They did.

Letting go...

Ever thought why we prefer to cling on to something that hurts us, instead of letting go of it and free ourselves of a burden? Why we hold on to relationships & friendships even long after they lose their meaningfulness? I had been clinging on to a friendship that was once very beautiful but of late had simply lost its meaning. I could have chosen to end it and move on, yet something prevented me from doing so. Maybe I could not accept that my friendship with him- my closest guy friend- could actually end. Of course there were signs, the unanswered calls, unreturned missed calls and ignored text messages. Yet when we did talk, he kept on insisting that I was, and would always remain his close friend. Believing the words he did not mean seemed to be easier than interpreting the signs which conveyed otherwise. Of course, I knew that our friendship was dying, slowly but surely. Looking back, I realize that he was not really at fault, sometimes people outgrow certain relationships, our friendship had simply reached its expiry date. He had grown out of it, and I had to learn to let go.
But like an immature being, I kept making desperate efforts to keep it alive. I wish I had not done that, I wish I had the maturity to accept that not all friendships, however great they might have once been, last forever. Anyway some weeks ago after another one of those strained conversations between us, I finally decided to let go- and free the both of us from the formality of keeping in touch for the sake of it.
It was not an easy decision, but it was definitely a necessary one. Maybe it would have been easier if we had continued pretending to be friends. Our friendship had not turned toxic, there was no bitterness, resentment or anger. But there was sadness. He was sad because his heart was no longer in it, and yet he did not want to hurt me. I was sad and hurt because of his indifferent and inconsistent behaviour. Continuing our "friendship" beyond this point would have simply been meaningless.
It was time to let go. I was liberated the moment I did. Freed from the bondage of a strained friendship, freed from the hurt & sadness. And I believe this is how he too felt.
I was not expecting a closure, but luckily it happened. We got a chance to formally say good bye and part without any negative feelings. It is hard when you have to part ways with your best friend, in a way it hurts more than breaking up with someone you had a crush on. But still a closure helps a lot. It helps to forgive, tie up the loose ends and move on with life.

I accept, its the quarter life crisis

I had been living in self denial for the past many months, I just did not want to admit that I too, like many others,was having a quarter life crisis. I thought having job related worries and insecurities about the future were 'normal' for a 26 year old. But when I started growing apart from my best friends who had once been my classmates, I realized something was wrong. And I had to admit what I never wanted to.
The worst thing about quarter life is the loss of closeness from friends (I never expected it to happen to me :-( ). The other things like career worries and insecurities are still manageable. Life is beautiful when you are in your early twenties, you have great friends, you dream a lot & are full of hope for the future. But the moment you graduate out of college & enter the 'real world', things change. You start questioning yourself- your dreams & aspirations, your capabilities, career choices, values & beliefs- just everything about life. Suddenly everything seems so meaningless, you feel like you are no longer living, but simply existing through the chaos of everyday life. You feel empty, sad and confused because you don't know where you are headed to. You start getting nostalgic more often, you wish to rewind and go back to the 'good old days'. You wonder what went wrong- how could the fairytale you were living a couple of years ago lose its magic?
Still you know you are not alone, you know that your friends are also going through the same phase as you are. This somehow does make life easier, and you believe one day or the other you all would move over this stage and learn to live again, dream again.
And then comes a day, when you realize that you have slowly been growing apart from your friends, even the closest of them. And trust me, this is the most horrible thing about quarter life crisis. I had always been very close to my best friends and believed that they would be my friends forever. Now I sometimes wonder if this was just another one of my naive, idealistic beliefs? Do even best friends move away from each other? It is not that friends stop caring about each other or start taking others for granted. I love my friends a lot and know that they too care about me, yet now a days it feels so difficult to connect with them (In fact, there are times when I am unable to connect even with myself, my own soul)
If life at 26 is not easy for me, then probably it is not easier for them either. I know, they are having their own quarter life crises, dealing with their insecurities and wondering if they are the only ones feeling like this. I wish I could go back to the time when a simple phone call would do wonders, and everything would be alright again. Why is it that now its tough to keep a conversation going for even 5 minutes with someone you could chat with for hours just a couple of years ago? I just hope this QLC thing fades away soon, I am just tired of it...