I accept, its the quarter life crisis

I had been living in self denial for the past many months, I just did not want to admit that I too, like many others,was having a quarter life crisis. I thought having job related worries and insecurities about the future were 'normal' for a 26 year old. But when I started growing apart from my best friends who had once been my classmates, I realized something was wrong. And I had to admit what I never wanted to.
The worst thing about quarter life is the loss of closeness from friends (I never expected it to happen to me :-( ). The other things like career worries and insecurities are still manageable. Life is beautiful when you are in your early twenties, you have great friends, you dream a lot & are full of hope for the future. But the moment you graduate out of college & enter the 'real world', things change. You start questioning yourself- your dreams & aspirations, your capabilities, career choices, values & beliefs- just everything about life. Suddenly everything seems so meaningless, you feel like you are no longer living, but simply existing through the chaos of everyday life. You feel empty, sad and confused because you don't know where you are headed to. You start getting nostalgic more often, you wish to rewind and go back to the 'good old days'. You wonder what went wrong- how could the fairytale you were living a couple of years ago lose its magic?
Still you know you are not alone, you know that your friends are also going through the same phase as you are. This somehow does make life easier, and you believe one day or the other you all would move over this stage and learn to live again, dream again.
And then comes a day, when you realize that you have slowly been growing apart from your friends, even the closest of them. And trust me, this is the most horrible thing about quarter life crisis. I had always been very close to my best friends and believed that they would be my friends forever. Now I sometimes wonder if this was just another one of my naive, idealistic beliefs? Do even best friends move away from each other? It is not that friends stop caring about each other or start taking others for granted. I love my friends a lot and know that they too care about me, yet now a days it feels so difficult to connect with them (In fact, there are times when I am unable to connect even with myself, my own soul)
If life at 26 is not easy for me, then probably it is not easier for them either. I know, they are having their own quarter life crises, dealing with their insecurities and wondering if they are the only ones feeling like this. I wish I could go back to the time when a simple phone call would do wonders, and everything would be alright again. Why is it that now its tough to keep a conversation going for even 5 minutes with someone you could chat with for hours just a couple of years ago? I just hope this QLC thing fades away soon, I am just tired of it...

Celebrating 10 years of spinsterhood

I attended a wedding for the first time when I was 9, and was thoroughly turned off. It was a loud & noisy event attended by too many guests. The poor bride was wearing heavy make up & a painted smile. The groom was not wearing make up, but he wore the same artificial smile. And the photographers were clicking pictures non stop. It was more than enough to scare a simple, introverted, unsociable and camera shy kid like me. "I will never marry", I announced, very seriously to my mother. Of course, I was too young to understand the concept of marriage, or for that matter, spinsterhood at that age.

It was when I was 16 years old that I officially declared myself a spinster, the concept of being unmarried & independent was so appealing. Well, a 16 year old is still too young to be considered a spinster, but thats what I fancied myself to be. But my granny and aunt had other plans, they were seriously worried about my marriage, they could find no other topic to talk about. My aunt already had a list of eligible bachelors ready at hand. I was barely 18 when aunt put up a nice little drama in front of my mother- complete with tears & threats. The tears stopped flowing only when mom promised her what she wanted. That I would be married off only to a guy of my aunt's choice. And I seriously believed that one day my relatives would forcibly marry me off to a nice-guy-on-sale, available in abundance in the Indian marriage market. I told mom that if that ever happened, I would poison my husband to death. Its really funny, but that threat worked!! Maybe the thought of a good, sanskari guy dying a painful death was too horrible for mom to comprehend, my aunt never dared to interfere in my life again.

Now it has been 10 years of glorious spinsterhood for me, and I love every moment of it, but it does not mean that I am one of those male-hating-feminists, as my dear aunt once suggested to mom. I do like & respect men. I have had many crushes till now, been in love thrice & once even got messed up over a complete idiot. It happens, I believe these things are necessary. I have always loved falling in love, being in love, its such a beautiful feeling. Even getting over a love that once existed is a very meaningful experience. Love is natural, but marriage after all, is just a man made concept. I have nothing against the institution of marriage, being married suits a lot of people, its just that I am not one of them.

Ah, how wonderful it feels to be 26 & single :-) !!

26 !!

My 26th birthday is nearing, and I am just so excited !! I have always loved my birthdays, and this year is no different, am happy that even today I anticipate my birthday as eagerly as I used to years ago. Not that I celebrate it in a grand manner, but I simply love the concept of growing older.
Twenty six. I can not believe I have actually spent 26 years on this Earth, it seems just like yesterday when I celebrated my 7th birthday! In fact my 7th birthday was the first one that I consciously remember and have loved birthdays ever since. I love the way numbers get added to your age as years pass by, its such a beautiful feeling. And as always, I had been introspecting a lot over the past few weeks, reviewing my life over these 26 years. It has been beautiful so far, and I guess I would have no qualms even if I were to die now. The only regret I have today is that even at this age I am living off my parents' income. Am still just a student & it would probably be years before I manage to establish myself in a career. I am just one of those "late bloomers", I tell myself when overcome by guilt. Things happen only when the time is right, never before that, however hard you try. One has to wait for that.

Anyway, I don't want to feel all guilty & messed up, now that my birthday is just a few hours away. I feel so mature & wise!! And I have facts to prove that:
I no longer have crushes on every third guy I see- Am over with such things
I no longer wear blue nail paint, dangling earrings or bangles that clink- now they seem so cheap & gaudy
I no longer wish I had not been straight- Am fine being straight
I don't feel like killing those whom I don't like- have learned to control my anger
Stupid human beings don't irk me so much now- If thats the way their low level brains function, I can not do anything about it

Still 3 more days left for me to officially complete 26, waiting eagerly for my birthday :-) !! Am happy, grateful, and hopeful for the coming year...